Monday, November 9, 2015

Happiness compressed

3:59 AM Posted by Grant No comments
This is one of the posts I have had in draft for probably over a year and like a lot of other posts I have in draft things have changed over time so I figured I would re-visit this post and while the objective is still to write a list of things I'm happy the altitude I was at when I wrote the draft has changed a lot in a downwards direction however at this point I feel that considering recent events that it has just reinforced the fact that I'm my own ally in this situation having burned almost all my bridge in the last few weeks.

In my current state I'm able to recognize that my emotional state has a wide range, all you need to do is read up to know that however at present I'm well aware of the times that are at those deceptive highs then the consequent equal and opposite roller coaster downwards then back to the ground state again meaning that the fidelity of this list is variable depending of my position on the track. Having said that I'm not where I was even going with that point however I'm going to leave it here because it feels relevant.

Work and it's fast-passed demands

Most quotes on the internet are rubbish, I find this one to be true.


Although I'd never deny it feels weird to write that down, that while I keep a fairly good work-life balance that so much of my happiness is dependent on this, I do have a few parallels that prove that it's more the objective and time constraints than it necessarily being bound to my job however AVCon commitments are seasonable. I honestly don't feel like it's an exaggeration to say I'd be long dead without my job or something similar in structure.

The core value is to be presented with a pre-existing framework within which people are un-interested in fixing as I will take on destroy any problems I find from the smallest to the largest issues and I have been doing that ever since I started.

The rush of the stress and the feeling of accomplishment is something that keeps me coming back, even after 5 years there is still so many problems that I haven't got too simple due to lack of time, things people put in 'never' due to time I make time for and they get done.

The above means that I have never come into work not wanting to be there and having been promoted into a senior role focusing on improvements and more focused on management has allowed me to really knock down issues at a record pace. This is what I do, 

Having said all this I don't consider myself a work-a-holic like some, work is a means to an end regardless of how satisfying it is for me personally and how much of my time I spend there it is not the goal itself. 

I spoke to someone a few weeks ago at work and she professed her life outside of work is discussing 'professional development' with her friends now I'd be re-miss to pretend I didn't just admit to liking work and while I find trouble finding things meaningful to do outside work I never thought someone dedicate all their time outside of work to what is essentially meta-work

I'm not just saying this provide a contrast between someone who find meaning in their work and another person where their work is seemingly the only meaning just that from my perspective the wider the net you cast the more experiences you will find.

The vague quest to find meaning

While I could easily romanticize this as the 'search of the unknown' or 'exploring life' in practice it's nothing as glamorous, while I feel that there is an unknown to be search and that there is a life to be had I lack any sort of cornerstone to build from resulting in houses so un-insurable you would have think they were build on the New Orleans coastline during a hurricane.

I can't explain why but an image like this seemed appropriate. Hurricane not pictured.

After writing the second paragraph to this aspect I quickly realized my writing was quickly becoming negative due to the constant frustration in trying to find some certainty I could us upon which I could re-build the life skills I sorely lack however it's resulted in nothing but frustration.

While at this point I was planning to move onto the next point I then realized that while there are the small things they are transient and seem to happen far less often and after that I find myself staring over a cliff rather than a metaphorical bridge built from a list that is desperately short on planks.

What should be on the list

The one I think about more than anything is relationships and while I'm tempted to write another 40 page sob-story I'll just say for all the things I don't know about how to fix this I do know how far down the road I'm away from the solution.

A clearer way to figure out how to achieve my business idea (part of the vague idea above I feel) is still my best best to give me something to focus on or maybe something else like helping other in some way at least then it would give me something tangible I suppose?

Apart from that I'm having trouble thinking straight about this, I guess it's harder to deny what is written right in front of you when I can't just push it to the back of my mind whenever I feel like it.

Unfortunately this post from start to finish turned into something unlike the initial draft all that time ago, maybe there is something to be learnt from that maybe not.

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