Monday, October 26, 2015

Loveless

6:10 AM Posted by Grant No comments
So this post has been a long time coming I suppose and while it will only be partial complete for reasons I'll explain later I still think it will record one aspect of my life, for better or worse and it deals (Or doesn't) with my emotions and while it's been something I have felt like I had to write about before however something happened recently which made it more of a priority I suppose. So considering that Google Analytics shows all my traffic is from various Google crawlers and Yandex (Russian Google) this one's for you web crawlers. Before I go into detail I have to take a slight detour, I have written a blog before and it was a horrible idea. The reason I made the blog is one of the main reasons I made this one and it was to provide a way to record things that otherwise would drive me insane with no friends to tell but during those times I was in far less control of my things than I'am now and when a particular situation came up instead of abstracting the situation and the people involved I just listed everything and I think even sent it to the people involved, I guess I wanted to get my feelings across however lets just say that was the beginning of falling off a cliff at that point. Having said that this post will very much maneuver around the recent situation with a lot of abstraction so prepare for vagueness however understand that the way I view a conflict with another person involved is that it's not my place to tell the story because I don't consider it mine to tell. If one person tells the story it helps control the narrative and even if that is not in my favor it causes much less conflict and doesn't divide people by endless bickering, this also makes it easier to remove myself from the situation. I won't go into why all this bad where it leads, just be assured that I don't care what your opinion is but we'll look at a bit of history and you can draw some conclusions of your own. So I have had a long standing policy of no-relationships and the reason without going into individual situations suffice 100% have ended badly with none that I can think of that haven't been my fault, sure it sounds like I'm being unfair to myself and I'm course totally biased and honestly while it's easy to recall these situations I don't find it easy to give myself time to be honest on their outcome. While this isn't related to this recent issue as it was not a relationship it may help provide some context, this policy while long standing I have always convinced myself to contravene and while I know exactly why I have done that at the time I always convinced myself that I can't stop trying. As I said before 100% failure rate and not just with a mutual parting and every-time I remember why I had the policy and how selfish it was to put someone else through that all because I thought I had changed. I wrote about this a bit in my last post however it's more about the cause but not result so if you care about context go and index (Or read if you're not a google bot) the ramblings of a literal crazy person, no it's fine I'll wait it's not like you shouldn't have indexed the page before you indexed this one...now I really do sound like a crazy person. Off the opt of my head there are multiple parts to this sad saga, the first is the reason for the whole relationship cycle and and you already it in the title, now I'm not saying I'm a hopeless romantic I mean the term does apply but in a more literal and less romantic context but it's far more than that. The reason is simply and it's just wanting to be loved and accepted, growing up when I never got that I became very accustomed to this and in the end just learned to suppress the related emotions fairly early and let me tell you that it really fucks you up and I wouldn't suggest trying it. Lacking those type of interactions leaves a whole in your life that may attempt to fill a number of ways and of them is with relationships, to illustrate this and draw on my previous point if you assume that you have 10 relationships with various outcomes that have ended. Out of these 10 depending on a number of factors you may have 6 that end badly, 3 that are mutual and 1 ending well and assuming you go into these relationships affected by whatever factors ARE normal then we have a bit of a control group...look I know this hypothetical situation is full of holes but if it helps just pretend you're watching CNN of Fox News. If we apply my broken emotional state these variables tip very much into the bad direction, this being how I obviously hit 100%. There is this saying I feel strongly understand this and it goes 'Look for someone to compliment and not complete you' or something to that effect and if it wasn't for the fact it leaves the door open for happiness I'd probably print it out for my wall but I really hope the person who wrote it found happiness. While I will be fair and say I never went into a relationship with a conscious intention to do this none the less it was the result and in retrospect I knew why it had failed in the end so I'm very much solely responsible for this outcome and not others. Before we move onto the next part there is something that has always 2 concepts at war within my mind and those are empathy and guilt, the first is easy as that relates to what I already talked just wanting to tell you it's alright and feel like they care about your well-being and understand your situation the second I think is more to do with an irrational fear bordering on phobia of not wanting to hurt people and you can easily glean from above however I haven't bothered to really psychoanalyze why. What makes the whole thing worse is that by making irrational decisions in these situations it almost always ends badly reinforcing my already twisted justification for this dichotomy. This problem means that over time the chance that I would explain a given situation to someone I felt I could talk to became less likely over time however when the planets are in alignment my desperation to tell someone and not go crazy gets the better of me and I tell someone. This is what happened recently and while there were other factors in my decision the outcome was predictably bad, the result is what I mentioned above about being able to extricate myself from the situation what is what I have done here. I know from experience in this same situation that this will remove a number of other people which I have already accepted, you reap what you sow and while you may be reading this with a sense of empathy I'd ask you sit the fuck done while we get into what I think will be the last part. While I realize we have progressively ventured further from the shore to so speak I ask you stay with me as this gets bizarre and while I wanted to write that the course this post takes is really up the wind and that I'm just a victim of the seas I immediately catch this as a cop out, what I mean by this is that it's too easy to just pretend I'm a victim of some unknown force that I can simply heft all my burdens onto and it's not just the responsibility that I find an issue. Let's just randomly continue the sea metaphor and get to the real point of this, if you have read this with any sense of empathy then I have an issue with that because I don't feel I'm worth that compassion but while I reject anything in this family of emotions at the same time I crave it to fill the hole it's absence left in my life. Honestly I'm just guessing but I think someone else might have trouble writing this post, I'm pretty sure it's a roller-coaster of emotion but all I get is some anxiety from writing this. It's a sick kind of poetry that the reason I'm able to write this post is due to the things contained within this post, this is what it's like to feel dead inside with the ability to suppress all emotions. As they say denial isn't just a river in Egypt, trust me you don't want to end up in a place where you're starved for emotions but respell yourself from people with a overriding feeling of self-loathing.