Monday, September 21, 2015

Hurricane - A mind not at rest

6:19 AM Posted by Grant No comments
So I have wanted to write a blog entry while under the effects of anxiety and since the situation has presented itself then this is it, It's not the ideal situation but panic attacks are rare and it's hard to tell how long this will last. Yes this idea sounds mad but I had the idea while I was a right frame of mind and I always thought it would be interesting to put on paper for some reason so here goes. Sometime this week is my birthday and to be blunt I'd rather it not be, I know it's a great time for people but for me it brings back memories of my 18th which was a horribly tortured experience of having my parents drag people together to attend because people really didn't want to and ended like most birthdays drinking alone in my room. It's been almost exactly 18 years since that day and I have never celebrated my birthday since then, I came close this year but because there are so many others around this time I decided against it and despite some of my decisions it was to avoid a repeat of my 18th. The plan was set and while I can ignore the few people who know my sister is a bit more persistent, full of love, adoration and is only one of 2 people I consider family but we'll get more into that later. Anyway she's persistent for all the right reasons but I just can't deal with it and then I find she has re-arranged her work schedule in advance, it's at this point I feel different but I don't acknowledge that I have enter the anxiety zone cue crazy mode. At this point I feel it's right to mention I feel much more anxious going over it again which is what I was hoping for so hopefully you'll get the real experience (tm). This leads us into the other thing of any note this week that I guess has just piled on and while I'm fairly sure it's just life being a jerk like usual with it's timing it does make me word. First up is my father who's birthday is earlier in the month along with Fathers Day, keeping it short I never felt any love from him growing up along with another factor however against my feelings I have tried to make an effort to keep in contact with him especially with him pulling out the 'Im doing to die anytime now' card every few weeks including this week where after continually asking him if he wanted to out for tea (I know it's been weeks, this is how hard it's been) out of nowhere he says he's changed his will and named the executors. Now this was a surprise and I honestly believe by naming them he was just saying 'you're out' and while I know it doesn't mean I wouldn't get anything which I could care less about I think it was just his way of speaking his mind as he never could be up front, fast forward a few days and I receive an SMS from my mother who I haven't seen in about 15 years, I find out that night she had contacted my father to get my mobile number which I have told him over the years to never give to her which he admitted he only gave to her so she would stop contacting him. So now we have a trifecta. I won't go into details because these things are already nebulous enough if you're reading from the outside as you always get one side so let's just say we went our separate ways and that with their combined efforts of neglect to give you some context I really had to find my own way in many ways. You may be or know of someone with one of those happy families, the ones where everything is all good and you think 'that's what it's supposed to be like' now I know that many of those arrangements hide dark secrets but for comparisons sake let's take it at face value. When you dig yourself out of that proverbial hole and you have a bit better vantage point than just hate and anger you can appreciate what you missed and how it will effect you going forward. In some sort of twisted this path has made me who I'm but more than the accomplishment I feel I'm really proud of, that given less than optimal conditions I made it to a point that I feel proud of. I wasn't going to get into the SMS chain but also writing verbatim wouldn't be the right format however I feel I need to get across my point here so lets just go for the highlights, reading SMS show up my anxiety and I was starting to feel like I might be running on empty for adrenaline so lets pulp-fiction this up. Before we jump in this isn't one of those Facebook battles where one person is using the context as a weapon. So I got jumped on this as I saw the email about this after I started getting txts and the first message is 'I don't want to be a problem but...' with a follow up 'pls send email kthx' (You get the idea) and this establish what I feel is a background of guilt from the message but never an admission of fault, we'll get into why this is a problem soon. I was in no mood for this my response was to ask what she wanted, while I thought there was a chance it could be a life/death situation to be honest I didn't even care I just wanted to be the cruel one for once. I don't think I have ever felt good about being cruel to someone even someone I didn't like until I had the chance to return the favor to both of my parents after so long, I know there is an allegory for this situation (Schadenfreude anyone?), when you're hurt it feels good to be able to hurt them back and this a chance I never got. One thing I didn't realize I even did until now was call them by their first names and that's what I did, I told her I had moved on and I thought she had as well and this is where we come to what I feel is what makes me so infuriated, the general feeling that nothing is wrong such as the reply I received stating as such, continuing on we shift to her wanting to make amends and that it's never too late which is a good start them we immediately shift to off-loading the blame to one of her parents. Now I realize this is harsh as that much of tough growing up but this excuse is so well worn in this family that it sounds hollow. Even if this was not the case I personally feel someone who sits around blaming others (I never had money, I don't have the job opportunities you do, etc etc) are really of poor character because for every example you can produce I can produce 10 who have overcome those odds and worse and it insults those who got back up while you sat on your ass. Back on track I'm sum up the above with something I have always tried to get across to them and it's that you have to take responsibility for your choices and failure to do that shows that she hasn't really understood the lesson life tried to teach her, from the next few txts I get the feeling she is at least speaking from the heart. From here there are massive txts about nostalgia and I'm talking like 100KPh a whole bunch of things I don't remember ending in an offer to send me an album of photos for whatever 'special girl' is in my life, I know this got weird quickly but trust me I was just as caught off guard as you probably are. From here she says 'Oh you're probably out with friends' which is worth mentioning because ever since I was a child I had little to no friends and she was well aware of this yet I can clearly remember her delusions about me growing up being having my door beaten down by beautiful women and that I would be so popular, I can remember that moment to this day because it was just so strange and I feel like she was maybe projecting onto me at that stage? At this point I agreed to let her message me, having written this all out and going over it again I have felt one of 2 courses of action so cliche it feels like it was always so black and white. I could do what people would consider the right thing and forgive her for everything and I do think she is sincere (Unlike my father) but on the other hand I think back what I went through and I could use this opportunity to exact my revenge and destroy either one of them or both. So that's where things stand, written in one sitting while under the influence of anxiety at least I mostly think I was all as I was mainly measuring my heart rate. No revisions that's it, post!


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