Thursday, February 5, 2015

Relationships, how do they work? - Part I

5:52 AM Posted by Grant No comments
I have had so many ideas for blog posts (seriously, just need to write them...) but I'm going to jump into something that has only just come into my mind while it wandered, it's not something I deal well with or particularly want to write about but progress comes from change....

This is about me and not anyone else so before you construct scenarios, places and events know that this is all about how I (don't) relate to people in many senses, it has been both an advantage and a disaster at the same time...let me explain.

Friends is a concept I always understood conceptually but I never quite got the hang of I suppose you could say..I just stopped for a minute to think about why and all I can come up with is not growing up with any real friends, or at least ones I wasn't betrayed by. I like to say I was raised by the internet and at least in my early life it's fairly accurate.

Lets go on a bit of a detour so I can tell someone I don't think I have ever told anyone, when I was a teenager and lived at home my weekends would be walking down to the bottle shop to get a bottle of scotch, go home and watch anime all night and of course internet. It's a memory I have frozen in time of knowing no boundaries even though I was living in a mental box so small I could touch all walls.

So back on track and I still haven't had much luck in making connections with people, it doesn't feel natural to me which is an incredibly isolating feeling to have where it's you and 'them' where you see the connections people have and you can only feel jealous but also very happy for them because when you have it you want to try hold onto it.

I lost the connection I found once and it's kind of funny in a way because I think depression played a big part in it but then I think wait you don't get out of it that easily, using that card is not an excuse for my behaviour. Although I would class my behaviour in this example as irrational I can't help but think that it too easily becomes a crutch to my blame other problems on.

This comes to something that I have thoughts about many times, to put this in context it's rare for me to come back to the same aspect of a subject over time like this.

The question is why should I be looking for a relationship at all when I have 100% failure rate, knowing the issues I have it seems selfish to loft these problems onto someone else.

Before you think of your counter-argument put down your keyboard because I already know them, everyone has issues and I'm not special in that respect, broken pieces to form a whole and failure is not an end just another lesson but my heart still says it's wrong to seek a relationship...yet out of desperation for connection I do it anyway, a self-righteous idiot who thinks if he can save someone the pain of my flaws the world would be such a utopia.

This paradox manifests itself ass imagined relationships with people I see once but don't even know, a vicious cycle of imagined happiness followed by a pessimistic view on a potential outcome ending with a realistic assessment of how insane the whole process is.

I suppose it was a coping mechanism I learned how to concentrate, focus my mind on objective more tangible that were aligned with my life, forget that other part for that way leads to madness...probably.

I remember reading somewhere that if you stop looking you will find what you seek and that by doing what you love you will find those who are like you, I guess it seems like the best bet at this point.

Feels like I have rounded out things for now, I did miss talking about relationships on a more personal level but I think I'll leave that for a second part but before I do having written words here I feel a tiny connection to the all the other words of other people talking about these things, a small insight into what they must of been feeling...emotions across the void connecting with someone I don't even know.


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